Already Inadequate

I was talking with my mother in law earlier today about how I hadn't blogged in so long (other than our monthly prayer letter updates of course). Not that life hasn't changed dramatically... it has. Not that I haven't had thoughts about these life changes... I have. I guess I just hadn't quite figured out how to communicate it. And then tonight I lie in bed unable to sleep, which if you know me at all is quite something. I happen to be an excellent sleeper. I just felt the Lord saying, "get up and go write it down." Don't know why, but I guess today is the day.

So here are the late night musings of a soon to be first time mom. Let me preface this whole post by saying that I am absolutely thrilled to be a mom. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea here. This is just me being honest about the tension in my heart as I enter into uncharted territories.

Motherhood was always on a pedestal for me. I admit I have idolized it. Two of the things I wanted most in life was to get married to wonderful man (check that one off the list! I've got me a keeper) and to have lots of babies. Well, in December we found out we were pregnant. I, of course, was overjoyed. And that bliss has stayed with me until recently. Don't get me wrong it's still there. I am SO excited to become a mom, but recently other thoughts have crowded in as well. Maybe it's because everything has become so much more real. Maybe that's because this little person finally has a gender (male) and a name (Aiden). Maybe it's because my belly is getting bigger and my shirts fit weird. Not that I'm complaining, any excuse to go shopping is great in my opinion. Maybe it's all these stretch marks that are appearing or the rib that's out of place and causing constant pain. Whatever the reason these last few months I've had the thought, "What in the world am I getting myself into? I'm not ready for this." Recently motherhood has fallen off its pedestal.

I look at the moms around me and think that there is no way I can do what they do.

• They can be incredibly sick, coughing up gross colors and yet they take care of their babies anyway. I don't want to do that. I want to lay and bed and make Davy bring me soup. 
• They get up all night to feed their baby or wake up early because their toddlers can't seem to sleep past 6. I don't want to be woken up before 9 AM. Did I mention what an excellent sleeper I am? Well that generally means 8+ hours of sleep. And I like it that way. 
• They deal with icky bodily functions. I don't want to clean up throw up. I don't "do" throw up.
• They sacrifice for the good of their kids. I don't want to sacrifice. I liked my life the way it was. 
• They prioritize family over ministry. I love my job. The girls I disciple felt like children to me. How do I give some of that up? How do I change diapers and wipe boogers with joy when right now I'm thinking I'd much rather meet with girls on campus?

Do you all of a sudden turn into a selfless superwoman when they place that baby in your arms for the first time? Because as I look at all the moms around me I already feel inadequate. All those selfish thoughts above have run through my mind as I've thought about this transition into motherhood. I love my life. Just the way it is. Am I really ready to do this? 

And just as any loving father should, in these panicked moments, God reminds me that he isn't interested in my adequacy. His love for me isn't dependent on anything I do. I know these moms I look at aren't perfect. I'm sure many of those same thoughts cross their minds as they are cleaning up throw up or giving up something they love for the sake of their kids. I know these moms live moment by moment by the grace of God. There is no such thing as superwoman; just broken women living dependent on the Holy Spirit for power for today. 

That's hard for me. I want to be superwoman. And if not superwoman, I want to at least be adequate. God has had this funny way of changing my life the moment I get too comfortable. To give you a snapshot of the last few years: I've completely changed my career goals, raised financial support to be a missionary (something I prayed as a child God would never make me do), gone to Africa four times (something else I prayed against), got married, raised support again, and now am expecting a baby. It seems like just when a season of life gets comfortable, when I'm finally feeling like I've got things under control, getting good at life, God swoops in and changes everything. It's his loving way of saying, "Melissa, I'm not interested in how good you can be at life. I want you to trust in me. The goal isn't adequacy. The goal is dependence." 

Well here we are again: at this crossroads of choosing dependence, of choosing to be inadequate and letting the Spirit empower me for the day's tasks. I know many of you are in this boat with me. Maybe it's not motherhood, but something else. Let us be encouraged by Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Yes, I am already inadequate, but his grace is sufficient for me. In that, I will rest.